As an American who has more than a passing interest in the cozy mystery genre, let me tell you that this form of addiction is all too real! From my own experience I well know the crippling effect this can have on those around you in regard to their ability to watch anything that does not include country houses, gardens full of poisonous plants, and tea sets a plenty. Were it not for the middle ground of Dr. Who and is big blue box, I fear my marriage would have suffered irreparable damage by now. The following is a list that I have drawn from my personal experience that you may use as check points if you fear you are heading down the same slippery slope:
- You have systematically separated yourself from your local cable company with a clear understanding that all you need to be personally satisfied in entertainment is Acorn TV.
- You have given serious thought to creating a line of T-shirts that express your unwavering enthusiasm for Midsomer Murders. The best seller will be “Keep Calm and Call Barnaby,” with close seconds going to a tie between a chalk outline of a body that reads, “I survived Badger’s Drift, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt,” and a cricket tee that proclaims undying devotion to either Fletcher’s Cross or Midsomer Worthy.
- You often find yourself humming the Midsomer Murders theme song while doing the dishes and only stop when you realize that your children have grown silent with fear.
- You sigh quite loudly anytime anyone in your house attempts to watch an American crime show, and find yourself once again having to explain how sophomoric it all is based on the fact that the writers never deviate from the basic rules of the murder mystery formula leading to an early conclusion that the first person interviewed will no doubt be the killer – yawn.
- You find American crime shows far too serious and heavy. They are weighted down as if by cement blocks with so much focus on the victim and the quest for justice. Where is the lighthearted detachment and humor? They simply suck all the fun out of murder! Yes, we know there’s a dead body in room, but for the love of God, could someone ring for tea?
- Your way of speaking has gone somewhat off center from that of the local dialect. This is something to be most watchful of! A few days ago I asked a man at the post office if he was having me on and I’m pretty sure he thinks we’re dating now…
- You have begun to have issues in regard to operating a motor vehicle. This symptom sneaks up on one quite unexpectedly – If you find yourself confused while watching television at the sight of a driver getting in on the wrong side only to realize that you’re actually watching an American show, you should probably give some serious thought to your ability to safely transport your children to and from school every day.
- No one in your house understands why you will re-watch every episode of Poirot before even entertaining the suggestion of watching something new… Imbeciles!
- Many of the text messages you send to your children end in “n’est-ce pas?” The subsequent messages you receive back often look like this: ???
- You’ve taken up knitting so that you can look as cool as Miss Marple and now the whole house is cluttered with tea cozies and mittens.
If you see yourself in more than a few of these symptoms, let me be the first to tell you that you are not alone. Now excuse me while I follow this trail of yarn to the door…I simply must check on my neighbor – it’s been a several days since I saw her last and her rose garden looks just a tad too healthy if you ask me…o_O